Disability is a difficult topic to talk about, but it's a conversation we need to have. The world doesn't value the lives of disabled people - we are seen as lazy scroungers who don't want to contribute to society - and ableism is so entrenched in our culture that we don't always recognise it:
"You don't look disabled." "I wish I could get paid to sit at home all day." "You're doing so well, y'know, for someone like you. So inspirational!" "Other people have it worse." "You just need to try harder."
This stems from a core belief that disabled equals lesser, and from a grave misunderstanding of what disability actually looks like. This is why I wanted to do my part to break the stigma surrounding my own disability - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD.
After researching Nora Nord's work which gave a platform to underrepresented ADHD voices, I knew it was vital to represent ADHD in an authentic, balanced way. I asked people (some I know in person, and some strangers online) to describe to me their favourite thing about ADHD, their least favourite thing, and what they wish the wider society understood. The responses I got were hugely varied and it was hard to decide on a shortlist of perspectives to be turned into images, but I managed to narrow it down to five positive and five negative aspects of ADHD. I found that the range of perspectives helped me understand my own ADHD a little better - my hyperactivity is largely internal so often goes unnoticed, and I don't personally experience the common co-morbid sleep issues. Visually representing things that I don't fully understand myself was a challenge, but by speaking to the people who contributed to these ideas, we were able to form some solid plans for their respective images. This collaboration enabled my work to maintain its authenticity, as it was conceptualised with the input of several ADHDers.
The most enjoyable part of the project was the physical creation and manipulation of the images - burning, colouring in, pouring on ink. This became a project that not only reflected a variety of ADHD perspectives as I had intended, but also developed into something deeply personal that I lovingly handcrafted. It was not without its frustrations, though. As an example, my "compassionate" image, with two hands holding a heart, was a real case of trial and error. I had printed out five copies of the photo, and initially tried to drip neon ink on it to create a marbling effect. The ink was hard to control, so I tried again and covered with masking tape the parts of the image that I wanted to keep black-and-white, but still the ink managed to seep through. When taking the masking tape off, it started to remove the top layer of paper, too. In the end, I managed to achieve a satisfactory result with my final print - but it was not perfect. I had to remind myself that Aliza Razell's painting wasn't "perfect", it was beautifully imperfect and at times almost messy. Although unintentional, my imperfect "compassionate" print adds another layer to the ADHD representation - it's okay to be a bit messy and chaotic. It's a perfect example of how my strong compassion for others doesn't always translate to compassion for myself.
I have also enjoyed gaining more experience in the darkroom as it is a bit of a sanctuary for me, where time stands still and I can watch my photos come to life in my hands. I worked with 4x5" digital negatives and was surprised to find the quality of the images was still good when printed onto 16x20" paper. The process of printing them was straightforward, but I did need a bit of help when it came to setting up the enlarger as I wasn't tall enough to reach when creating the biggest prints! I'm disappointed that my film photographs didn't turn out very well - my film camera is extremely hard to focus, so most of the images were slightly too soft to be usable. Over the summer I would like to shoot more film to really master my camera.
There were two key problems I faced, and they were largely due to my own ADHD difficulties. The first is that one of my models cancelled, so I had to ask another friend to help out last-minute. The second is that the paper I had ordered for my large prints was delayed in the post, so I had to borrow some from somebody else. This meant that I couldn't use my carefully chosen paper - I wanted to use resin-coated with a matt finish, not glossy, but glossy is all that was available. My large prints have a near mirror-finish which I feel detracts from the details I intended to draw my audience's eye, particularly in the "distracted" image. The reason these problems were largely caused by my ADHD is because I really struggle with time management. A model cancelling and a postal delay were not my fault, but scheduling my shoots and darkroom slots for the very last minute was entirely in my control. I will try to work on this going forward, using my strengths to bolster my areas of weakness.
Overall, I feel my project has been a success - I am happy with all ten of my final images, with the respectful way they represent a variety of ADHD traits, and with the response I have received by those who saw my prints in the exhibition. People said they appreciated the inclusion of the quotes to give context to the images, and the creativity that went into the project as a whole. Some people said that they felt some of the images resonated with them and their own experiences, and others said that my photos had challenged them to think of ADHD from a different perspective. My favourite photos are probably the two large prints, "bubbly" and "distracted". They are both simple portraits of my friend, with the negative space burned away to reveal bright, multicoloured bubbles or swirls of ink. A similar technique used in both images conveys two very different ideas. The "bubbly" image is particularly beautiful and shows the joyful, vibrant side of ADHD, whereas the "distracted" image effectively engages the audience and demonstrates what it feels like when you're desperately trying to focus while managing all of the distractions around you. While only a small step forward, I feel my efforts towards breaking the stigma surrounding ADHD have been fruitful.
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